so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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