I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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