it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
