Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
