I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
