I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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