it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
