I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
