I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
