matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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