There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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