I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I intend to get homeless drunk
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
