She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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