If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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