tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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