please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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