I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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