I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
