i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
