Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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