i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
