saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Randomize
