We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
