i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
