There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
