I've blown a few things in my day
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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