you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
