So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
