Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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