I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
