does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
