Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
