I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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