i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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