My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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