uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
