If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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