I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
