Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize