he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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