Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
