the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
