I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
