I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
