Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
