so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
