i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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