I haven't been this sober since birth.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
