I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
