I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
