wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
