I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
That accounts for only three of the penises
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
