my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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