dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
