I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
