I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Randomize
