Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
