maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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