My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
