she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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