I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
