an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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