she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
even my farts smell like vagina
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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