my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
