That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
